The Earl of Sandwich: An Aunty's Advice

The internet is a marvellous thing, you know, capable of building friendships across oceans and time. It also reveals just how wrong the colonies can get it if they are left on their own for too long.

Earlier today there was a discussion on Twitter (a social networking site that’s an invaluable tool in locating rare eighteenth century erotica and pretty people) about what constitutes a toasted cheese sandwich. Darling readers – I was horrified. People fry their sandwiches! They toast bread and melt cheese onto it! THEY MICROWAVE CHEESE ON PLATES!

Obviously this cannot be allowed to continue. So gather round readers, pay attention rude colonials, I am going to explain how to make the perfect toasted cheese sandwich.

The first step is the bread. It has to be sliced white bread. This is the only time I eat bread like this, but nothing else gives the right texture. Do not presume you can slice the bread yourself – you can’t. You won’t get a standard thickness and parts of the sandwich will be burnt by the time the cheese has melted.

Now, butter the slices of bread on one side only. Get your grill pan and put one slice of butter side down on it.

Grate your cheddar. Do not slice it. Grated cheddar melts best and you do not want unmelted cheddar lurking between your crisp, golden slices of toast.

Now, slice an onion, not too thinly, or you won’t get the crisp, bite of raw onion in your sandwich. (You could slice it more thinly, if you want your onion more cooked but I prefer a little zing to most things in life).

Put the cheese and just enough onion onto the bread. Top with the other slice of bread, butter side up this time, and slide the whole thing under the grill.

Wait until the top slice of bread is golden and turn the sandwich over. It’s probably best to stay in the kitchen – if you wander off into the living room you’ll get distracted by the internet and the toast will burn.

When your sandwich is done, top it with the condiment of your choice. I prefer English mustard, but you could put pickle on it, or even Worcestershire Sauce if you don’t mind the toast being a little soggy (a good solution to this is adding it on top of the cheese before you toast). To accompany the mustard, I would also pop a pickled onion on the side, thus you get the best of both worlds.

Enjoy with a glass of red wine for optimum health.

And this, gentle reader, is much better than the abominations proposed by social networking sites. Listen to your Aunty Peas – you know she makes sense.